Anger Management

I've been losing it recently.. i shouted till my voice coarse..i've been rough on her by pulling her hand hard to make her walk or do things i want her to do.. so it ended with crying/screaming.. i hate it.. but i cant control it when at that very moment, my anger just rush up and missy's reluctance to obey drive me up the wall..

I know i've got to change this and control my anger.. sometimes, im thinking so what if she refuse to brush her teeth.so what if she refuse to bath, so what if she refuse to change her clothes.. so what if she blahhh....list goes on. let her be lor..

But, i try to make sure she has discipline over this daily routine, not when she said "NO" then i let her be. right ? i'm kinda confuse .. not sure what type of parenting im suppose to adopt.. stern ? firm ? then it ended up im "forcing" her to do things.. she at this stage is everything "NO" we have to spend so much time and effort to coax her into doing small things like bathing.. she will be refusing to let us take out her clothes.. even after we manage to take out her clothes she will lie naked on floor, refuse to enter the bath room.. i feel like pulling a stubborn little donkey into the bath room.. sigh... really testing my patience..

Then, yest again, she just pee on the sofa . I was very angry, as she already know she should go toilet for peeing.. but yest she did it twice while her pants is still on. and did it right on the sofa just beside me.. i was piss off.. then she refuse to let maid and LGG to take off her short to wash up.. she just shout and scream.. vey dramatic again.. so when i go to the toilet, i'm just losing it again, i just strip her off, pour the water on her.. the water should be cold.. then drag her out of the toilet to her room to wipe dry. i was shouting at her to tell her, she is wasting my time, she is making thinsg difficult, i cant stand her anymore. she just stand there and cry..

After all the cleaning up, LGG ask her to apologise. she then lie on her bed and cry and keep saying,"sorry mummy, sorry mummy" that somhow soften my heart.. then i gave her a hug, and she is ok again.

but, what am i "teaching" her in this lesson ?? my intention is, if you are not listening to mummy, mummy will be angry, and mummy will be shouting and being rough to you ??

Im confuse...confuse and hate myself for being not able to control my anger.. and hate myself for not being gentle to her. i lover her so much that i try to protect her with all i might.. but why at that spur of the moment,, i cant do so rough to her like pour cold water on her and pull her hard?? i felt heartache..

but, if i go soft on her. will she climb on my head ? how am i going to discipline her ?i always tell LGG< we should not put our hand on her.. meaning no spanking.. cos we adult's strength is unbelieveable to a child so fragile like missy.

I shall improve on this.. i will use other method rather than tempering like smal kid.. hope my action wont have bad impact to her.. i was telling LGG< she shout and scream when we refuse to let her get what she wants. LGG said, must be cos we also shout at her when she refuse to do what we want ?? left me ponder..